straight-jacket feeling

Lack of self-confidence..?

2008-03-04T08:22:00.000-08:00

i truly lack confidence!!i mean since ever!!!i have an image problem and am totally and absolutely self-conscious when i walk,talk or even laugh! i try looking into people's eyes to figure out how they see me,i know its damn sad & its not a way to live and am sick and tired!am changing am not gonna be the same anymore..its a very easy decision to make but its gonna be damn hard to follow i have to lose weight first to gain my confidence back,i have to make up with my ex *he had a lot to do with it* and i have to get my life back on track without counting on any1...D ur my bestfrnd and i love you but u have ur life together now and soon we will be out of each other's lives so i have to get mine straightened up before its too late...am gonna try to keep a daily journal of how my new me journey is working out!

whats up with the medical side?

2008-02-12T03:10:00.000-08:00

i mean seriously are there any other jobs Outside a hospital??! look how many TV shows and sitcoms take place in a hospital!! i mean there was ER,greys anatomy,scrubs,house MD,general hospital,chicago hope..etc!! and wow is it really that exciting...?because seriously my mum is a doctor and when i was a kid i used to go hang out there all the time and trust me 95% of the patients suffer from a "stomach ache" or simple exhaustion its barely over 1% that would have the deadly-AIDS-brain-tumor-no-hope-left case! and ER is simple full of broken body parts with no interesting stories its simply dumb people! On the other hand the thing i never saw on TV but its totally exciting a psychiatric hospital! i mean have you ever been to a looney-bin?! okay that sounds offensive i really dont mean it that way but damn thats exciting! its full of people who think they are the "king of england" ,Napoleon and there are those who have their own conspiracy theories and it goes on & on! i kinda have to run now i have a meeting to attend but i'll be back *sometime soon i hope*!

back "home"..

2008-02-10T04:57:00.000-08:00

so its that time of the year again! am done with my midyear break and am back to my hometown..its time to start uni and all this crap but i have this funny little feeling! and no its not lik being in love or nything its actually lik..like there's something missing! you know the awkward feeling you get when some1 is telling a joke and its supposed to be funny and they r done and looking at you xpectin you to xplode into laughter but its actually NOT FUNNY! its awfully awkward and i just wana teach them how they can do it better but its way to awkward and way too late you just have to fake a lil laugh or a "OOOO ooo now i got it haha..haha!"
i hate coming back here because the people actually suck! dont get me wrong am not a socially isolated person or nythin but i like my frnds and i was born and raised away from here with my bestfrnd and its like we are all seperated now..i miss them all specially D cz i love talking to him he reminds me of the many things i lost with my brother passing away..i gotta run nywy i havent blogged since ever and i can barely type the plane ride was painful enuf..

My soule-mate...!

2007-07-02T01:45:00.000-07:00

well..i went home for a while,i had to take a break before i start my summer course you know!!It went actually pretty awesome,i got to c SQ my best friend ever,she is such a queen i love her!!i had a greaaaaaaaaaat time with her,umm i barely saw D. Well i don't think of D as my best friend nymore cuz ever since he started dating he went to another planet...well its typical everytime he starts dating he gets extremly busy and now its beyond bad we never used 2 spend such a long time without properly talking..wow i mean he doesnt even know i started my summer course,he doesnt know anything about me and i have no idea whats going on with him lately..he jst calls SS and talks to her,well she's the Girlfrnd and am just the "Girl" now..
Well congratulations again to me,i lost another friend!!well aint my fault i guess but it's pretty much life it tears people apart!! Well..among all the crap i had with D back home i meet some1 great..well dont get so excited its a She so it's not lik we r gonna date but i really met some1 who gets me!!! i meani love CD she's a friend's friend and i saw her a couple of times but this holiday was something else..i mean WOW CD is the 2nd me!!!she is the 1st person i met who listens to the same stuff i like!punk rock alternatine and all,she thinks almost the same way i do,she read the same books i read and we both lik guys 4 sure but we are both not lookin for a heartbreak!!so she's perfect..no guys will come between us and that jst makes it perfect! she's sweet,funny,honest & she was really there for me till the last minute and just talking to her makes me smile she is the most adorable person ever!!and i also like the guy she's datin nowadays MD is REALLY funny!!god my tummy hurts from laughter whnvr i spend time with him!! well i probably lost my D, i'll just give up i'm simply gonna try to stop being his bestfrnd..its really hard trying to keep in touch and talk to someone EVEYDAY when you feel like an intruder and rite now am just an intruder in D's life..he has his guys and he started dating some1 he is in love with (not my words HONESTLY) so i think he's quite happy and he doesnt realize how far we are now...i love D,i really love him lik a brother so i think i just jst back off & give him room to breath..i'll simply try to stop loving people unconditionally cuz it's simply painful watching them drift away..maybe it's time to hold on to F and CD and jst hang out with girls for a while,am sick of guys..

Exams suck!

2007-06-06T06:33:00.000-07:00

i havent been able to blog for such a long time,i have exams and too many studies!!It's kinds depressing i don't have time to do anything anymore...i just realized that i don't believe in exams! i mean when they give us information they should trust us to study it! I mean if i said i studied them why do u question my liability!! Um my major is tough but am smart "yea baby i have the brains" and i can do it i simple choose not to..! It's always easier to sit back and watch the time fly by,at least for me! In a few minutes my friends should be here and we should start studying together,i love group studies! They are simply too much fun and we pitch ideas that personaly helps each one of us revise the crap we have to know,funny how far people can go to learn stuff! I mean seriously i had to revise lik 8 types of "complications of wounds healing" so i kinda took the 1st letter of each kinda and made up a word-sentence-mumbo-jumbo to make me reivse it!!It was something like FUCK-I-C-S well if your wondering it's Fuck i see S,,and S stands for my x boyfrnd,,LOL i sound so dumb but hey anything to get me thro the exam nights!! =D and umm i had to reivse an equation yest it was lik Cs/Cm and i always used to switch them so i was lik S is the 1st letter in my bstfrnds name,he's shorter thn me so i'd make him stand while i sit therefore the S is above the M...!!!Lol i sound so stupid while i study but i get grades,trust me am not so bad!!well now i gotta bounce to create some new magic words so i can get it over with this damn Pharmaceutics subject!!!Good luck to me!!

Things You don't know about me even if you live with me!

2007-05-27T05:23:00.000-07:00

1. i just love whinning..am not sure why but i find whinning a very relieveing process! i can go on & on about how sucky everything is,how hard my major is,how i miss this & that & dear gods please dont get me started.

2. I always run converstaions in my head that i know would never happen!i mean things like 6 years from now when i bump into my x i'll be 20kgs slimmer,blonde,smart and successful with the most amazing guy in the whole world by my side!and his name would be Ahmed or Khlaed & am gonna act like i don't remember him!

3. I'm in love with a guy who doesnt exist anymore!!am still in love with my x but he isnt himself anymore so it doesnt actually make sense but i can't get over it yet.

4. I feel a little twinkle inside of me whenever some1 asks me about my major,it's just that everyone keeps going on about how smart iam and how hard it is and bla bla i just feel silently delighted tho i curse my major in public!

5. I have a thing for tough guys,i mean sheesh they are really exciting with their jealous extremlly sexy attitude! When i was a kid i wanted to date a biker or a pirate!*yes i mentally lived in many ages*

6. I wana get married to some1 who has a mixture of the chracters of my bestfriend and my x!Funny,smart,understanding,sarcastic,patient,a bit romantic,religious,fearful of god & judgement day & openminded but to a limit i mean he should like get jealous its only human am not getting married to a coffee table!Actually thats all like my best friend except for the sarcasm part that was my ex!!

7. My mum thinks am in love with my best friend and she's scared he'll "break my heart" by choosing some1 else!!!god she is SO CUTE i keep telling her he hes a gurlfriend but she wouldnt listen!!one day am gonna have to tel her that am still in love with the only person she never considered!i mean really she th8 i was dating ALL my other male friends except the one i dated! =D

8. I secretly pray MM would die soon so the world would be 1-bitch short!

9. I hope my bestfriend marries his current girlfriend so we can actually be friends forever cz this is the 1st time my bestfriend's gurlfriend believz am not after her "man"!

10. I had a dream where i married my best friend's brother & we stayed as close as we are..i told him about it and we laughed it off but i hope it comes true sometime cz i really think of him as a brother.

11. I make fun of girls who act like total "Chicks"..umm like match everyything they wear in such an agonizing matter,fix their hair everyday,wear high-kitten heals,adore pink & paint their nails upon their mood!Actually if i could i would be one it just doesnt suit my physical looks!Therefore i secretly admire their girly attitude!

12.I'm screwed up...

13.I experienced every emotion you can name tho am only 17

Grief when my brother died whe i was 16

Jealousy that i always standout among any group due to the fact that am taller & overweight..

Rage when every guy I liked back in skool, liked one of my "thin" friends..and the only guy i really loved too..

Outkasting when I had 2 brothers who used to sit in their room playing PS2 & whenever i walked in they would completely zipped it & i wasnt allowed to talk so they would concentrate on the Game!

Rejection when my whole gang deserted me for a whole year back in skool & am still not sure why..we never got that close again..

Pressure, when mum keeps reminding me that i have to be more responsible about my looks in order to get married to a proper guy..

14. I can laugh & cry at the same time!!i swear i nearly do it ALL the time!

Rock on!!

2007-05-22T06:47:00.000-07:00

So my bestfrnd D hates rock!I mean who the hell hates rock besides dad!Well no offence but dad hates anything with a voice uh..or a beat! But i'm a punk-rocker! No actually am more like a..Punk-rock-alternative-techno-metal-R n B person!Am very flexible as long as there's no rap or sax involved! I even like a couple of blues! Back in the days i was a very cool teenager! I listened to blink182 & simple plan Only,i mean i still like them but Hello not all the time & exclusively like before! it's a guy who switched on his TV while his gurlfrind was taking his pants off what else is there to know!!the song went like
"i took her out,it was a friday night
i wore a cologne to get the feeling rite,
we started making out..
and she took off my pants
that's when i turned on the tv"
LOL i loved that song it was called Whats My Age Again..damn i used to be cool! I even had the black nail polish, black rubber bands, no pearls, glo0my face & black outfits phase! Was very uh..Educati0nal! And one day i met JA, i was hooked! He's my idol,though sometimes we kill each other i love him! He's funny, sarcastic, smart, hot, very knowledgable & he just has a view about Evrything! I love talking to him & he has the most faithful heart i've seen! Above all we both love Snow Patrol & Spiderman 3 -tho we do for different reasons but hell i love him!!
So now i listen to everything and am way more mature..um i mean rock makes more sense,at least you can hear what they are saying its not like metal and hip-hop! i mean

"I'm a balla (say what)
high roller baby (baby, baby),
shot colla (thats right)
ain't nobody this crazy (like me)
you a hatta (you a hatta)
why you tryin to play me (I don't think he know)
fake playa (yeap, fake playa)
ain't nobody killin (hey, I'm a ball for real)"

i mean What? seriously? dude can you make a point? dont get me wrong i love the song the beats are too good but i don't get it!!and arabic songs are all about heartbreaks and the gurl swearing she's gonna take her ex-boyfrnds heart out because he break her heart it's just too..TYPICAL!!!i mean a lot of people are alive because it's illegal to kill them but saying it outloud aint gonna help blondie! God all that killing talk just makes me wanna shoot some1 for a change but i have better things to do..i guess! I should stop blogging for a while and get back to my courses if i ever wana get this semester over with!

Where are you now..

2007-05-14T07:47:00.000-07:00

This is my recent fav song!it may sound weird but it's the OTH theme,which is btw some teen-drama show but hey this is what people my age do dont u judge me!!i love hilarie burton,the chick in that video am sitll hoping that one day i wake up looking lik That!she's just so adorable!and not a blonde-blonde a good blonde!no offence but brunettes never liked blondes!http://http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tg144YYnOeE

The OC

2007-05-14T05:56:00.000-07:00

Ryan: you needa get in the shower we got school

Seth: I took a shower yesterday

Ryan: no you didn’t

Seth: I took a shower the day before yesterday

Ryan: an I’m makin you a bagel

Seth: no (Seth looks like hell)

Ryan: you need to eat

Seth: my body will tell me when it needs food

Ryan: (looks at Seth) just like its telling you when it needs to shower

Seth: (puts his hands out) do you not see what’s going on here

Ryan: yes your wallowing you've ben wallowing since San Diego and enough’s enough

Seth: no I’m not wallowing Ryan, I’m agonising the two are vastly different

Ryan: really ..?

Seth: yeah see, wallowing that’s like lounging around eating ice-cream watching uh VH1 but agonising...its more like MTV2 ok its no frills, requires discipline, days of no sleep, no food

Ryan: (points) no showering

Best friends do exist in tele-tubbies!

2007-05-11T06:54:00.000-07:00

umm..i dont know if i will ever be able to tell you this or what!!i mean,its been going on since ever and still i can't seem to comunicate with you any better..
I mean i do love you,your my best friend but am i Your bestfriend?i know we said we won't let trivial stupid things come between us,i know we said we'll make it work,i know I said i wont do the stupid things that screwed my friendship with E again but am not sure i'm the one at fault now..a lot of things has been going on lately with me,seems like life is trying to break my spirit -more than its already broken- and it seems to be doing quiet a good job!! I mean mum isn't the same,she's a lot more miserable than she ever were and it's not lik i can do anything to help..my brother changed,he changed to some1 i dont recognize,some1 i never actually knew. He is angry,furious and sick of everyone all the time. Not everyone per se actually me more than any1,sometimes i think he wanted me to be the one six feet under instead of KH -our other brother RIP- but again sometimes i feel the same about him. It's just like too many things were left unsaid that now they are finding their way to the surface,we are both so sick and tired of each other now that KH the only buffer between us is gone. Thats whats wrong with my family,and about my extended family its like Worse..i mean an aunt of mine got a tumor,they said it was benign and once she had it removed they discovered it was malignant and it probably spread a long way in her body..she had like 2 operations in 2 successive days! She's tired,exhausted and the whole family is in shock,i mean it's like god is testing us all the time. First KH now AM's tumor it's just too much,too exhausting for out faith..
While AM was having her tumor removed i was 2 doors down having an absecess removed from my arm too!yea i know,how ironic...well at least she was sedated i was freakin wide awake with a guy slicing me open! It's a very painful procedure i cried my eyes out to the extent that my arm kept shaking i cudnt hold it still. It's still painful but am on loads of painkillers cz i have an exam after tomorrow that i need to undergo perfectly..
I hate you for not being here D cz i really need you,i hate the fact that your always too busy doing NOTHING and whenever i need you i have to call you and ask you to be here i mean whats so special about this relation?!this relation where i need to tell u to be HERE I mean i th8 bestfrnds shud knw all abut tht crap..but hey we all have problems it's just that YOURS are more important than mine cz yours usually include chicks pinching your ass, you not sure if u like tht chick or THAT chick,your gurlfrnd not txting you every 10 minutes & recently CD your gurlfrnd's pridesmaid interfering in ur relation with SS!!i mean really...?sometimes you really do have problems but lately am taking all the luck off ur plate and every1 elses!

Grey's Anatomy!

2007-05-10T12:35:00.000-07:00

"Okay, here it is, your choice... it's simple, her or me, and I'm sure she is really great. But, I love you, in a really, really big pretend to like your taste in music, let you eat the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio over my head outside your window, unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you. So pick me, choose me, love me. " MG

"At the end of the day, there are some things you just can't help but talk about. Some things we just don't want to hear, and some things we say because we can't be silent any longer. Some things are more than what you say, they're what you do. Some things you say cause there's no other choice. Some things you keep to yourself. And not too often, but every now and then, some things simply speak for themselves. " MG

haha!

2007-05-10T12:17:00.000-07:00

well..am in a really bad mood so i decided to add my favourtie quotes,i mean the most funny ones considering we all need a laugh nowadays people!!

Cliff: What a pathetic display. I'm ashamed God made me a man.
Carla: I don't think God's doing a lot of bragging either.

Red Forman: Dear Lord, would it kill you to give the Packers a winning season? Oh, and uh, watch over my loving family, blah blah blah...

Colonel Mustard: Are you trying to make me look stupid in front of the other guests?Wadsworth: You don't need any help from me, sir.
Colonel Mustard: That's right!

Steven Hyde: What's wrong with Mrs. Foreman's parents?
Kitty Forman: Nothing. They're very complicated people who can't be summed up in a couple of words.
Eric(Kitty's son): Grandma yells, Grandpa drinks.

Frasier: I do not have a fat face!
Niles: Oh, please. I keep wondering how long you're going to store those nuts for winter

Red: Nothing around this house is cheap.
Eric: Except for Laurie.
Laurie Forman: I am not cheap!
Eric: Free, whatever.

Red Forman: What have I said about comparing your sister to the Devil?
Eric: That it's offensive to the Devil?

Eric: My head hurts.
Red Forman: That's your brain trying to comprehend its own stupidity.

That 70s' show!

2007-05-10T11:57:00.000-07:00

Oh my god this show is the funniest show i ever saw!!i mean sometimes it gets a bit offending but it's like really funny!!so Kitty is the mother,Red is the father,Laurie,Hyde and Eric are the kids!

KITTY: Laurie, what are you doing? Church starts in 10 minutes!

LAURIE: Mom, I'm not going!

KITTY: What?!

LAURIE: Well...Eric is not going either!

KITTY: Oh of course he is!

ERIC: Well n...you know, I thought, Mom I thought you said we had the choice?

KITTY: Uhuh.

ERIC: And I chose no. But uh, yes was a close second.

KITTY: You know, I don't understand this at all. You give me one good reason why you don't wanna go to church.

ERIC: It's hot.

LAURIE: It's boring.

ERIC: The music sucks.

LAURIE: The pastor is ugly.

ERIC: I have to wear a tie.

LAURIE: I have to wear a bra!

KITTY: Enough.

LAURIE: What about Hyde? I mean he doesn't have to go.

HYDE (coming in and walking around): While I respect the Judeo-Christian ethic, as well as the Eastern philosophies and of course the teachings of Mohammed, I find that organised religion has corrupted those believes to justify countless atrocities throughout history. If I were to attend church, I'd be a hypocrite (he leaves)

KITTY: Okay, you know what, I am leaving in 5 minutes. And I'm sure you will make the right decision (to Eric): No, YOU'll make the right decision, and you drag her with you. Something tells me I will not be sitting in that pew alone! Ahahahaha! (she leaves)

AFTER KITTY WENT ALONE TO CHURCH,Back home Red is reading the newspaper and drinking coffee

RED: How was church?

KITTY: Great. I figured out what to do with our sinner children!

RED: Kitty, our kids are fine.

KITTY: Oh really? So why is Laurie...

RED: Hey, hey, if we're gonna start taking shots at our kids, let's focus on Eric.

KITTY: You see, now that's the point! He needs to learn right from wrong. I don't want him turning bad!

RED: Oh Kitty, I don't think Eric's gonna turn bad. He is too much of a pantywaist!

KITTY: I know why you are defending them Red. You feel guilty because you set a bad example.

RED: Hey I go to church. Just not during televised sporting events! You know Kitty, when my destroyer went down in the South Pacific...

KITTY: OH! Blablabla!

RED: Fine. If I thought the kids weren't going because of me, I'd go! Fortunately I don't think that so I'm not going.

KITTY: Well, that's all well and good Red, but since they won't go to church I'm bringing the church to them. I've asked Dave, the church youth minister to come here for dinner and he said groovy!

RED: Sounds like a great idea.

KITTY: You really think so?

RED: I don't have to be there right?

KITTY: No.

RED: Sounds like a great idea!

hahahaha i LOVE this show,those people are just hilarious and what i love the most about them is the fact that they can be open about any topic without getting offended!

I miss you..

2007-05-10T11:25:00.000-07:00

umm..it's been a long time since i sat down and had a proper talk with my best-friend..or any talk for that manner!!it's just too confusing,we live really far and it's all about phones,chatting,emails and facebook!it's exhausting to keep a relation that way,i just wana spend time with him!!i mean i really like D,we have a great time hanging out together whenever we are IN the same country!!Then i'm back here and he's back there and it's all hectic and awful,i just want my bestfrnd!!
uh..and he just wants a chick or sumthin,am not sure what he wants anymore he's killing me!
its like every week or so he would sms and say something like
"hey babe,sry i got caught up with my studies!anyway how r u?keep in touch,love ya"
i mean Seriously?Love me??In what way again!!!i mean i could like die and he wont even notice because he's too busy studying!now if your thinking am like mean or not-understanding then let me tell you,he is freaking facebooking everyone all the time!!!i mean not just his gurlfrnd,but his gurlfrnd's friends!!i mean who does that when they are "Busy"!!!!he facebooks some chicks who used to be in skool with him which by the wat he carely talks to!!i mean i could just spend hours reading the comments he posted for EVERY single person he knows!!and when it comes to me,he is busy...yea i guess i can take a hint considering this is not the first time he acts this way it's been going on for almost 5 or 6 month!!!it's just horrible when you see someone you love slip away and you can't help it..i mean i tried,i really did try to hold on but sometimes you just need to let go..with me it's always let go!i think i should get used to it by now..
i duno why but this song just reminds me of him..

It's not that you lost a friend
I just need some time to lick my wounds
I'll be out of service for a little while
I'm sure I'll be up and running soon

He's just amateur these days
Not used to dealing with this pain
He's just amateur these days
Never thought that he would see a girl away

And our history will never be erased
You were a great companion
And some memories will never ever fade
So I love and so I hate

What we were
I never knew nor did you
That's exactly what you hated
For three years you were confused
And for three years, my intentions left unstated

So this is the end..
Of an innocent era, an innocent era?
I didn't want you but I did it's never wrong but it is

now i realize i dont Exactly get what the song means but the first half of the lyrics reminds me of him!then there's love and triangles i guess and yech thats not what i want with D!

Hi-Skool drama!

2007-05-06T07:39:00.001-07:00

So u think ur having a hard time in high school?Well am sorry but honestly dont expect college to be any better!Mayb its about time you knw tht am not a co-star in American pie!
Am just a 17 year old drama queen,am not bad looking am quite normal!i don't have a nerdy style or anything! Am actually quite outgoing,still i have a reason 2 be an outkast!
am over-wait for it-weight!Yup overweight!Trust me thats the key w0rd 2 social suicide! Well i have many friends but not always!Um well not the guys at least! Lets revise the facts,

#1 am n0t a freshman anymore so i know enough to be able to tell you how this goes!

#2 i know a lot of girls in college,i d0n't like them all but they arent so bad!!well they all like me and they all know me..honestly i mistake the names of the girls in my group till now!

#3 last year i used 2 tak a course with some random group,i met a guy who was in my original group.. we got 2 b friends,we passed notes,sat 2gether and socializd by all means Within class..Now tht we r back in our original group he's some "cool dude" who dsnt evn say hi!!well he said hi one time,but OMG it was awful i was all lik Heyyy long time!!he was lik..uh oh yeah!you'd think he didnt know me or so,and after that he began to give me the cold shoulder that i didnt even "notice"!

#4 i lost a friend i had for alm0st 10 years (my "bestfrnd") to a "better person" which btw means she has the "boobs and looks" which she dsnt evn have!Hell i respect beauty but she's some really s0ur poisonous eye-candy!!She jst dresses as least as possible and trust me,she doesnt have the body for it either!but still he chose her over me

#5 um..i have a male bestfriend but i never socialize with his mates..i guess they don't actually know that we are bestfriends or so!am just the hidden agenda!

#6 i met SD in uni,funny sweet dude!we are friends and all but we dont actually socialize around people..jst a simple node or so but when we are alone,sms-ing or talking on the fone its totally normal!!like we are friends since ever..it's confusing but you get used to it in a while..

umm..well the basis of most of my problems is the fact that my mood runs my life!and i barely have any confidence,i mean i expect every1 to walk away cuz hell they don't have a reason to start being here anyway!!and well since am very moody when i get pissed i just eat,am not sure why but it's the way my nanny managed me when i was a kid!whenever i cried she gave me sugar and candy till am high on them or sumthing!!still i liked her,she kinda took care of me for lik 6 years or so!well that's it with the drama stuff am overloaded,i think i should go study or watch TV for a change..

JFK..

2007-05-04T10:21:00.000-07:00

John F. Kennedy said, "the courage of life is a magnificent mixture of triumph and tragedy. A man does what he must, in spite of personal consequences, in spite of obstacles and dangers and pressures. And that is the basis of all morality"

In other words he declared this is a self-centred era!!i mean just stomp whoever stands in ur way so you can make it to the top!still..i mean is the top gonna be worth it? We all want the best out of our lives but we screw some people along the way! Still those people we break sometimes heal by breaking others so is this painful-chain can go on for a while! we start relations based on our financal needs and we build hopes on a decieved life...what are we getting out of it? I just wish i had a crystall ball where i can take a glimpse of my future life,is any1 i knw gonna be there with me...?will i be on my own..? Will i be the one who hurt or got hurt..? I mean just think of it!!life is...confusing! Sometimes you just have to find your way away from other people's feelings..

where's god now!?

2007-05-03T10:03:00.000-07:00

Soo iwas talkin to my friend JA,he is really funny i guess i like him a lot!well i dont really have time to blog i've got so many errands to run but i jst wanted to share this conv he showed me,its a dialouge from That 70's Show,its really funny i actually do love the show!

KELSO: You should really go to church Eric. Cause God, he sees everything! So I live my life good and pure.

ERIC: Kelso, you were dating two girls at the same time.

KELSO: Yeah but God didn't see that. I was in my van. And he can't see through lead.

FEZ (with moustache): I don't want to get into a religious argument, but my God can kick your God's ass.

HYDE (looks at Leo who sits almost on top of him, then looks back into the circle): God is dead man. It said so in Time Magazine.

LEO: No man, I sat next to God once on the bus. He told me the meaning of life and then he gave me a pretzel.

HYDE: So what's the meaning of life man?

LEO: Uhh yeah. I guess I should've written it down...But it was a good pretzel man.

ERIC: Maybe this life doens't even matter you know. Maybe we're not even here. Or no, maybe I'm here, but you're not! HELLO?

KELSO: You know what the best thing God ever did was? BOOBS!

FEZ: Yes! And God said: Let there be boobs! And then there were boobs!

HYDE: Hey, if God is all powerful, can He make a boob so big that even He can't lift it?

LEO: Well that's a good question man. I'll ask him next time I'm on the bus.

hahaha i think its hilarious everytime i read it i kinda fall off my chair!!

empty,,?

2007-05-02T10:06:00.000-07:00

today i woke up and i realized that i feel empty,why do i feel empty?well blame it on "love" people,its the source of all misery!so i just blamed it on my x who i have no clue where his miserable ass is!!started talkin to my frnd,am miserable am sad am lonely...then he just said the weirdst thing ever he was like "its not always about relationships"
uh..its so simple,its so true but its a fact i dont want to realize..no lemme blame it on E dont lemme blame it on myself!!it's not him,it's me!!well it's me who drove him away to start with,i guess..It's jsut that my friends think they know me but they dont,i'm not always that happy you see i have my scarrs and they are prolly not that well-hidden..too many things bring out the dark side and mostly its red roses and "happy couples"!yea am not all that calm,i hate seeing people happy specially those who dont deserve to be happy!!u know those backstabbing friends of urs who lead such a sick life and get away with murder!no they dont deserve happiness hell they dont deserve to be alive how come they are happy n am here bitchin about it!!!well M i have u in mind and huny i'll keep prayin till u go down u bitch!!
Why am i feeling down...umm well
1.i hate the way i look..honestly i wish i was lik 10 cms shorter and a lot thinner,umm..i wish i had one of those long kinda curvy really exotic eyebrows,i dont mind my skin tone but the sun burns me pretty badly am as soft a peach!um my hair slimmed down a lot i wish it got thicker and i wish it was softer..i hate my smile,it looks so fake i wish it was a bit more..i duno jst cuter i guess!

2.i wish i can bring 2 people back from the dead,i wish i can send 2 other people to replace them tho!!

3.i wish i can have my bestfrnd live wid me instead of a bizillion miles away,actually not just D i wish SQ was here too..

4.i wish i knew D a long time ago n i wish i cud tell him tht he made a lot of things easier n tht i love our stupid lil jokes..and i wish i had like a paper or sthn where i can make him sign tht he'll never leave or so cz i jst have trouble believein tht he wont!cz am so "sweet" u c its hard to have me for a long time!umm and i wish he cared abut me half as much as he cared abut chicks and dating!lol some crazy bestfrnd i have

5.i wish i had a switch for my heart and mind.

6.i wish i cud tell E tht he's a bastard n let it out of my system thn make him apologize!

7.i wish JA and i had the my same religion cz i really think he is hot and i love talkin 2 him *sigh* and same religion cz i wana marry him!

8.i wish i were popular bck in hi-skool cz of me not my brother!

9.i wish i saved my 1st kiss for something real..

10.i wish i can grow up n live in a penthouse wid D,SQ,F ,KW & JA jst lik Friends widot havin the society witch-hunt us!

thats my wish list for now..i feel better =D haha i love making stupid wishes and thinkin how they would turn out!

why are u looking at me..?

2007-05-02T09:41:00.000-07:00

well am in a medical major for a few reasons..
1.i hate math i used to cry while studying it when i was a kid and my dad th8 i was retarded cz who the hell cries whn they are studying the multiplication table!
2.i hate politics,i have no interest in who has petrol and who dosnt.
3.i love painting but my mum wudnt let me go 2 a "meaningless" major!
so am in a medical major,this semester as i was recieveing my schedule i was shocked to find that am in a "political" course..am like
"excuse me are u kiddin me?this isnt my schedule!"

" ur ID is 07/0777.."

"uh yea!"

"thts u!"

"Can't be i dont take politics or any other thing related to it in fact"

"Now u DO" *ice cold gaze,time to backoff..!*

Okay,breath dont panic!just a course..!so i drag my ass and attend..well i dont really attend you c i jst sit in the back n slid down in my chair n just doodle in my handouts while chattin wid SD who btw is as smart as i am politically!so..almost 2 and a half months pass since i started the course,aint so bad..i guess!its jst talkin about politics in the arab society and such mundane things!but 2day,SD ddn show up and tht bastard ddn tell me yest so suddnly i am..ALONE in a world of politics xperts..gulp..SD u sick sick bastard where are u when i need u..
so this really smart smart chich sits beside me..
"where's ur project group?"
"what project?what group?" *almost about to add and who are U*
"we pick a country and undergo a case study,u shud be in a group of 2 or 3"
"uh...okay"
"i can work with you"
"cool so its me u and SD on board?"
"yeah okay.."
awesome and now am in a group!!so the gurl starts talking on and on about lebanon..wth do i know about lebanon,Nothin i discovered!then our dear doctor walks in and startd talkin and for sum reason am actuaslly lsnin 2 her 2 avoid N tryin 2 talk 2 me and discover tht am a fake brunette!The doctor was talkin about the problem that stops the arab society from moving forward..and am like,"
well do we look like we care!"
and she looked at me..and said "Exactly,because no1 cares!"
and out of nowhere,10 minutes later i'm in a very heated up convo with my doctor!it's about people being overtaxed to compensate for all tht population that isnt productive!*shuttup i dont mean me!maybe am rich and just hiding it!* we talked and talked and suddenly i was laughing about something and i looked around me..shit man why are they looking at me this way..?
it was kinda like lion king when all the hyena's teamed up and ate scarr in the end!!and i was scarr!i realized that i was the teacher's pet,i was the nerd who takes up the class to a whole new level and extends it 10 minutes longer while all the cool kids wana get back to the soccer fields and to their girlfriends!!i realized that i became the person i hate the most,the very annoying nerd who has a point in everything but once i got started i was like a shootgun that can't be stopped =D LOL so 2day i discovered my very high political skills people!I'm talented people just give me a pen and let me run the show!

el-Ahly!!

2007-04-30T07:46:00.000-07:00

well first of all,am soo not a big fan of soccer or anything!honestly i cant care less but this was way too funny to pass!!soo my frnd F was so hyper as usual and excited about the match..she tried to win me on her side haha!!how very naive of her am the drama queen how can u excite me about a match!!she kept trying and trying..
" El-Ahly is the-team-of-the-century its so gonna wipe off Barcelona!they wiped off real madrid!"

"uhh..isnt Barc. like the best world-wide team ever?dude they have Ronaldinho , Eto'o & Deco!!!even I know that"

"uh..yea they do..we have abo trieka and 3emad met3eb dol 7atta bnahdelo elzamalek!" (they even won the zamalek!)

"*giggling*..yea i guess ur rite barcelona w elzamalek benafs elmostawa fe3lan"

"dude shut it you can come to the stadium or u can sit home like the miserable ass u are & miss it"

"OKAY FINE just get the freaking tickets!"

well that ws pretty much it then we tried sending people to get us the tickets on saturday but tough luck!people were killing each other for them and the mobs were already selling them for triple the price which by the way i'd never even consider paying to c even a player in the flesh!!!so we decided to go somewhere and watch it..so we went,we sat in a crappy crappy prison,where the smoke and shesha took over the oxygen till my eyes were teary!and we paid our assez off cz this is how we egyptians make money,we use such occassions to triple the charge in any cafe!honestly..it was the funniest day of my life!haha it was just like watching a 3 year old play PS2- wining eleven against an 18 yr old pro! it's ridiculous i had this image where i'm scolding my 18 yr old son to let our neighbour's baby score a goal because it's simply embarssing that he walks all over the innocent kid who has no idea who the guys in the screen are for!!
PS.this was the ahly's way of celebrating their millenium!!the fans stopped cheering for the ahly,it was actually meaningless it was as if the ahly were misplaced into a gladiators-coliseum where they had nothing but shorts and red t-shirts on and the heads were already starting to fall off!! every1 startd cheering for barc they on the other hand were the 18 yr old pros who were stretching!i guess they didnt even consider it a game cuz their best players barely played!the ahly fans got so desperate they even cheered whn some1 from the ahly took the ball from the oher team!!some guy at the stadium went lik "ya gam3a elme2aweyya elgaya yegibo torta a7san" (Next millenium they should try getting a cake!)
LOL it was disastrous but we can always make a joke out of ourselves!

10 reasons to love a penguin!

2007-03-27T03:57:00.000-07:00

Well it's jst about time!well umm..i think thoose r the reasons i love penjuins!

Dont you love their colour!
They dont exactly have hair nor like skin..i duno its jst something smooth,shiny and like always wet ,its ADORABLE!
Am not sure if they have a voice but if they do hell its gotta b squeakyy!how cute!
They live in groups which means they hav sub-groups,just like us..so maybe there are the ghetto-penguins,the gypsy penguins,the goth penguins,bussiness class,the cheerleaders & the polo group!! =D
They make the most adorable squeaky sound when they walk!*at least they do in my head!* zee2 zeee2 zeee2!
They look so freaking soft and like fluffy i wana squeeze the hell outta them! *no it just a metaphor am not psycho!*
They have funny feet i just wana get them a pair of flip flops!
You don't have to walk them lik a dog *thats incase u hav a penguin pet u knw!*
You don't have to clean after them am sure they pee and manage in the water unlike SQ's stupid stupid kitty!the damn thing peed under her bed!!
You don't have to play with them,it's enough entertainment to watch them!

penguins!

2007-03-27T03:45:00.000-07:00

gosh i know this is so stupid but i LOVE PENGUINS!!!i have no idea why,honestly i dont..it's just something i grew up with!i remember when i was lik 6 or something i used 2 cry because my parents wouldnt let me get a pet penguin!STOP LAUGHING am not kidding =D i really wanted one!!my parents got me birds and fish but its not the same!well those poor fishes and birds they were another tragedy!well about the fishes,my brother (by mistake he aint a monster) was messing with the heater before we went out and he ended up boiling the poor things!we came home to find their tank extremly hot and all the fish floatin on the surface!!on the other hand!the birds were a family of 3,they were adorable..i guess but one of them got sick and had diaherria for a while it was AWFUL!!and did i mention that the child was blind?wht am not kidding!well the blind baby bird died first,am not sure why!then the mother bird kept hitting the dude with her beak on his head till he bleed and died!dont look at me this way i didnt raise them to be criminals they just are!!!and the mother didnt stop making squeaky noises eva sice she killed the dude so we decidd 2 sell her!on our way to sell her,am not sure how but the cage wasnt sealed well so she escaped..wheew werent we glad =D well istill want a penguin nyway!!they are jst so cute and am gonna tell you why as soon as i figure out!

Do you really get it?

2007-03-27T03:25:00.000-07:00

sometimes i wonder if its my problem or is life so complicated!sometimes you just lose track of everything,like right now am not sure what i shud be doing you know,like should i be getting over past relationships,mending them,not even think of them?am not really sure and i hate asking people cuz everyone pulls you in a direction then deny it!so why bother!?well..umm i dont really wana go there anyway!!! i have some lectures 2day and bt am like exhausted i just wanna go sleep but in my major this is not even a choice!Anyway,am really pissed off now from my doctor!he's such a jerk,you know one of those 98 years old people who think they have the best english accent and your just a kid!ARGHH he says stuff like "Ztandard=Standard" "eggzbectations = expectations"
"Bossibole = possible"
"stooobid = stupid"
its just horrifying!!your a doctor in a highly respectable university you should bother brushing up ur english!!!and oh my god things like "alko7ol = alcohol" is just hilarious!!it's kinda embaressing you know,am like all red and ready to burst into laughter but its a lecture and i really wana graduate sometime!well i think i've let out some of my suppressed laughters and its time to drag my ass back to work!

so simple yet so complicated?

2007-03-21T06:06:00.000-07:00

don't you ever get this feeling that your problems are so trivial and you can solve them all in an hour!i was just watchin this show and it's like everyone is dying and no one is ever getting a chance to say how they feel and build broken bridges and i just think as soon as this episode is over am gonna go call up E "hey buddy,i knw we've been frnds for almost 10 yrs and we dated for a year but we had a fight and suddnly ur best frnds with my so-called-bestfrnd MM and i have my doubts that you guys are dating but you are the love of my life and am sure it's gonna be okay as long as we love each other" and he will go lik "ooo i've been waiting for this for so long" and we meet up,shed some tears,hug and make up and maybe a week later he gets hit by a bus and i think "at least he knew how i felt!" Crap this is all crap!!i hate soap operas they just mess up our heads and make us think that life can be simple but nothing is ever simple!!u dont meet a blonde dude with green eyes,fall in love,get married and have kids!!no ma'am!!that blonde brat is gonna break your heart and so is the next 10 guys you love and u'll end up with some lose who is lik 20 years older than you and you will be bored out of your mind!!not to mention the crappy job and endless money problems you'll have to face!!umm well am out of anger for now so i'll probably blog later and am waiting for my frnd FF to come over so we can watch Pulse!i really need a horror movie am sick of romance it just makes me feel like crap!

how shallow can i get..

2007-03-19T06:51:00.000-07:00

umm sometimes i really wonder how shallow i can get at times!!i'm not like an airhead or anything it's just that..i duno not just me but all girls my age,we are always living in circles of tragedy that are about boys,diet and make up!i mean seriously?!
"O-MY-GOD i broke my nail"
"gosh Nat can't u like be more careful!maybe you can use a fake one to cover it up till it grows,gosh ur such a dummy at times!who the hell opens a can of coke with their nails!"

sometimes i wonder whats going on in this very same moment a million miles away,somewhere like palestine or so..maybe a mother is being told that her son was shot,or a kid lost his father and i wonder how they think of us!they probaby think we are kids who have a perfect life that we arent even thankful for!and i guess they are right!!i can't stop thinking about a new cellfone,a new Ipod,a new LCD screen and a new car..i think am just too materialistic and its not totally my fault..well am xcessively pamperd and i was raised to have whtever i want!and i never appreciated the little things in life,i just took them for granted..i always had friends,money,a stable house -thank god- and evry1 in skool knew me not cz am a superstar but my brother was one,so naturally i took part of the fame..i was never an outcast or an outsider even in my 1st day in college my brother hung out with me till i met some people and whenever he glanced me sitting on my own he wuold rush over to sit with me..still i never learned to appreciate the happy moments i spent with him,with my family,friends,the warmth of our house,the little inside jokes i share with my friends..the love i learned to give unconditionally..i guess we never learn how to fully grow up untill something tragic happens to change our lives 360 degrees..i jst hope its not too late to pick the pieces up and appreciate..my brother KH passed away lik a year and a half ago,i miss him so bad it aches and i hope he knows it,,

Crossroads..

2007-03-13T10:28:00.000-07:00

The important thing is not to be bitter over life's disappointments. Learn to let go of the past, and recognize that every day won't be sunny. And when you find yourself lost in the darkness of despair, remember, it's only in the black of night you see the stars, and those stars lead you back home. Maybe your home is haunted with dark memories, but those memories are yours, they will only make you stronger, they will remind you of who you used to be back when you were weak and hurt. Those memories will linger there like scars just to make you who you are tomorrow. Stronger, and better. Every once in a while, people step up, they rise above themselves. Sometimes they surprise you, and sometimes they fall short. Life can be funny sometimes, cruel but funny. It can push pretty hard. But if you look close enough you'll find hope... in the words of children, in the heart of a right friend, in the bars of a song or in the eyes of someone you love. And if you're lucky, I mean, if you're the luckiest person on this entire planet the person u love decides to love you back. Even if you find that person, it will be quite long before you do, but till then you'll have to figure it out on your own...

There are moments in our lives when we find ourselves at a crossroads. Afraid. Confused. Without a roadmap. The choices we make in those moments can define the rest of our days. Of course, when faced with the unknown, most of us would rather turn around and go back. But every once in a while people push on to something better, something found just beyond the pain of going through and just beyond the bravery and courage it takes to let someone in. Or to give someone a second chance to keep you heart or break it. Something beyond the quiet persistence of a dream. Because it's only when you're tested that you discover who you truly are. And it's only when you're tested that you discover who you Can be. The person you want to be does exist, somewhere on the other side of hard work, faith and belief, and beyond heartache and fear of what lies ahead...live each season as it passess,breath the air, drink the drink,taste the fruit and resign urself to the influences of each..

A best man's speech..

2007-03-08T07:49:00.002-08:00

Lucas: "Remember tonight, for it is the beginning of always. A promise. Like a reward for persisting through life so long alone. The belief in each other and the possibility of love. A decision, to ignore or simply rise above the pain of the past. The covenant, which at once binds two souls and yet severs prior ties. The celebration, of the chance for two will always be stronger than one. Like a team, braced against the tempest’s of the world. And love... will always be the guiding force in our lives. For tonight is mere formality.. only an announcement to the world for feelings long held. Promises made long ago -- in the sacred space of our hearts."

Dreams..

2007-03-07T14:27:00.000-08:00

Have you ever had a dream that seemed so real that when you woke up you didnt know what to believe? What would you do if what you thought was true, wasn't. and what you thought wasn't true, was.
Would you retreat into your dreams in hope to find a more perfect reality? Sometimes, life is stranger than a dream. And the only way to wake up, is to face what lies hidden in yourself. And you can only hope in those moments of dark reflection, that you are not alone...But even if you Are alone,Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark in the hopeless swaps of the not quite, the not yet, and the not at all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish in lonely frustration for the life you deserved and have never been able to reach. The world you desire can be won. It exists. It is real. It is possible. It is yours...But only if you step up and claim it..

Pain..

2007-03-07T14:24:00.000-08:00

Life can be terriblly harsh it seems like it cant get any better and we start to lose hope cz sometimes pain becomes such a huge part of our lives that you expect it to always be there. because you can't remember a time when it wasn't. But then one day you feel something else, something that feels raw, probably because it's so unfamilar, then in that moment, you realize you're happy.Happiness comes in many forms. In the company of good friends. In the feeling that you get when you make someone elses dream come true. Or in the promise of hope renewed. It's okay to let yourself be happy. Because you never know how fleeting that happiness might be...This was the intro of a OTH episode i was just watching,its so beautiful i just love the quotes..and ideas they have..

Blow him off!!

2007-03-07T14:22:00.000-08:00

LOL this is like the funniest way to blow off a guy,its lik Brooke is sitting at a bar wallowing in her misery when some jerk comes over to hit on her
"Okay, guy in need of a clue. Here's one. Women send signals. That was a brush off. Before you dip into your shallow pool of wit let me paint us a picture and save us both the trouble. Here's your evening. You are going to slink back off to your buddies, laugh this off, get wasted, go home, and make nice with yourself. But don't be thinking of me, because even your fantasy of me, isn't interested in YOU!"

A moment?

2007-03-07T14:20:00.000-08:00

As it happens sometimes a moment settles and hovers and remains for much more than a moment. And sound stops and movement stops for much, much more than a moment.
And then the moment is gone...Ida Scott Taylor once wrote: Do not look back and grieve over the past, for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful that it will be worth remembering..

dying..?

2007-03-07T14:17:00.000-08:00

"I’m standing upon the sea shore.
A white ship at my side is spreading her white sails to the morning breeze
And starts for the blue ocean
She is an object of beauty and strength I stand and watch her, until she hangs like a speck of white Cloud just as sea and sky seem to mingle with each other
Then someone at my side says
“There. She’s gone”
“Gone where?”
“Gone from my sight”
That is all
She’s just as large and mast and whole
As she was when she left my sight
And she’s just as able to bare her load of living freight To their destined port
Her diminished size is in me Not in her
And just at the moment when someone at my side says
“There, she is gone”
There are other eyes watching her coming
And other voices ready to take up the glad shout
“Here she comes”
And that is dying ...

P.Sawyer..

Future moment..

2007-03-07T14:13:00.000-08:00

i was watchin OTH again..and this dialoug happend and i just can't get it out of my head i HAD to share it!!am awfully late for my bed time and i have college tomorrow but to hell with it..this is good!!
"ever wonder how long it takes to change your life?
what measure of time is enough to be life altering?
Is it four years like high school?
one year? an 8 week rock tour?
can your life change in a month? or a week? or a single day?
we're always in a hurry, to grow up, to go places, to get ahead. But when you're young,one hour can change everything. do you ever wonder if we make the moments in our lives, or if the moments in our lives make us?and if you could go back and change just one thing about your life, would you? and if you did, would that change make your life better?
Or would that change ultimatily break your heart? or break the heart of another?
would you choose an entirely different path? or would you change just one thing?
just one moment. one moment that you always wanted back..

Imagine a future moment in your life where all your dreams come true. You know, it's the greatest moment of your life and you get to experience it with one person. Who's standing next to you? "

My life?

2007-03-03T05:22:00.000-08:00

Douglas adams once wrote he felt that his whole life was some kinda dream..and he sometimes wondered whose it was..and wether they were enjoying it..
I think its kinda ironic because personaly most of my dreams are parts of MY life!and actually its the parts that never happen,or like..i duno i have a fight with my friend,i go to sleep to see whatever we didn't do or things we didn't say..!Like the part where i really blame MM for being such a ***** to me and like never caring how i felt!!the truth is..i'd never say that,cz i really care about people's feelings..It's ironice whoever is out there watching my life would find it pathetic!I jst care about everyone's feelings that it sends me to the back of everyone's minds..

OTH...

2007-03-03T05:18:00.000-08:00

i was watching that tv show..its just pure drama about relationships,love,families and its just pure heartbreaks 100 times per episode!but i love the quotes the characters always mentioned..
Stephen King once wrote "time takes it all,wether you want it to or not,time takes it all,time bears it away..and in the end there's only darkness..sometimes we find others in that darkness,and sometimes we lose them there again.."

Straight jacket feeling..

2007-03-02T14:56:00.000-08:00

well i just wanted to let you know where the name of my blog came from..its just the fact that i couldn't stop thinking about this song and lik singing it in my head for months and months after i heard it!!its by All American Rejects they are a damn goood band and i love them!the song is called straight jacket feelling offcourse and here is how it goes..

Back me down from backing up
Hold your breath now it's stacking up
Etched with marks, but I can deal A
nd you're the problem and you can't feel
Try this on, straightjacket feeling
so maybe I won't be alone
Take back now, my life you're stealing
Yesterday was hell,But Today I'm fine without you
Runaway this time without you
And all I ever thought you would be,That face is tearing holes in me again
Trust you is just one defense
Off a list of others, you don't make sense
Beg me time and time againto take you back now, but you can't win
Take back now, my life you're stealing
Yesterday was hell
But Today I'm fine without you
Runaway this time without you
And all I ever thought you would be
That face is tearing holes in me,but today I'm fine without you
Runaway this time without you
And all the things you put me through
I'm holding on by letting go of you
And when that memory slips away
There will be a better view from here
And only lonesome you remainsand just the thought of you I feargrip falls away
Yesterday was hell
But Today I'm fine without you
Runaway this time without you
And all I ever thought you would be
That face is tearing holes in me,but today I'm fine without you
Runaway this time without you
And all the things you put me through
I'm holding on by letting go of you..

Diguise..?

2007-03-02T14:41:00.000-08:00

Nathaniel Hawthorne once wrote..
"no man for any considerable period can wear one face to himself and another to the multitude without finally getting bewildered to which maybe d true"
I actually find it very sincere..because in every aspect in one's life there comes the time where you have to pretend. Pretend you like a friend's friend,a mother's cooking,a friend's carpet's hideous colour..And suddenly you find yourself telling some1 about that freaking carpet!!wht the hell you never even liked it to start with!!but you can't remember why u didnt like it cuz you kept convincing urself that its cute in order to spare your friend the embaressment!!It's just human nature to disguise your feelings till u forget what they were to start with..

Karma..?

2007-03-02T14:10:00.000-08:00

so..am i like supposed to say something about myself..? i dont have anything to say and if i said something are you supposed to listen..?and even then,you would be wrong to believe me..Trust is a lie,but relations are the worst lie. People socialize and talk,they act like they are concerned and ask you how is it going,ur just supposed to nod and say fine cz no1 really cares..Ur life is urs 2 make,dont seek help..its never an option...you'll find people who'll "love" u and care about you,but they always leave cz you c life is all about bargains and when you find sthn better u have to let go of the old one and move up the ladder..u'll spend ur whole life looking for perfection,till one day u'll be so up on those ladders that the person ur with will think ur not good enough..and its time to let go of YOU my friend thats "Karma"..

Chaos..

2007-02-28T04:31:00.000-08:00

I heard a quote by Khaterine Ann tht i loved..i just wantd to share it..
"There seems to be a kind of order in the universe,in the movement of the stars,turning of the earth and changing of the seasons.But human life is almost pure chaos...Every one takes his stance,asserts his own rights and feelings,mistaking the motives of others,and his own.."

I believe

2007-02-22T11:49:00.001-08:00

I believe...

I love the time and in between...
The calm inside me,
In the space where I can breathe...
I believe there is a distance I have wandered,
To touch upon the years of…reaching out and reaching in...
Holding out, holding in..
I believe this is heaven to no1 else but me...
And I’ll defend it long as I can be...
Left here to linger in silence...
If I choose to, would you try 2 understand?
the quiet child awaits the day when she can break free
The mold that clings like desperation
Oh mother don’t you see I’ve got to live my life the way I feel is right 4 me...
Say it’s not rite 4 you but its rite 4 me...
I believe this is heaven to no1 else but me,
And I’ll defend it as long as I can be,
Left here to linger in silence if I choose to…would you try to understand..?

Dont u love it??its just this song tht Hailey in One tree hill sings to her boyfrnd..i simply adore it!

Valentines =D

2007-02-22T06:54:00.000-08:00

LOL i wud love to blog in arabic bs ya gama3a ana eltyping beta3y f el3araby ta3ban a5er 7aga!!anyway!!Valentiness day!!!tht ws fun,well not lik i had a date or anything actually i spent it wid SQ my favourite gurl everrrr!!!i lover her aasslan sa7bety men 8 senin!!actually on this wholee wide world i hav quite a few real frnds,there's SM,S.Q and D!!!D is the only guy,but he is one hell of a guy..ever had a friend tht u knew inside out?i th8 i had one of those long ago but i ws wrong..his name was E i fell in love wid him and he said it ws hard so we broke up and stopppd talkin and suddenly he is best frnds with this gurl i used 2 b awfullly close wid!!!actually i introudcd thm 2 each other but never th8 thy wud leave me out of our relation..funny how life can be!!!nyway so D saw how depressd i ws and how crappy my valentine ws gonna be so he came along n got me the cutest gift ever!!!he is sooooooooo caring i jst love him!!too bad he isnt living in the same country am in we jst meet up a couple of times evry year but i think of him evryy day..not evryday per se every second!!!i jst wish he ws here so i wud lean on him!!umm i feel lik this is my diary and no1 will eva read it so i write soo freely!!!well dear me,take care next time u start dating,dont fall in love..jst be loved!

my friend D

2007-02-22T06:47:00.000-08:00

argh egypt the worst place one can grow up in!!!!gosh thinking about how many bad memories i have somehow i can retrace their begining to this crappy place!!its my 2nd yr in college and am in hell already its jst problems after problems!well am not doing so well studies wise and i didnt make any gud frnds,i did make some frnds but thy ended up to be the crappiest ppl on earth and back stabbed me rite infront of evry1..ouch tht did hurt but wht are frnds for!umm so am stuck at home and its a thursday nite and no i cnt mend a broken heart wid a box of choco cz am on a low-calorie diet!i hope my 2 "best frnds" are havin a crappy day 2!!!well on d brite side i had the best midyr break ever omg D is the best guy in the world!!!!i loveeeeeeeeee this guy he's lik a brother but a gud 1 which never happens btw!!!we jst hang out all the time or we r txtin or talkin on the fone..its jst amazing to have ur friend live so close to u which happens 2 me once per year!

john tucker rocks!

2006-10-18T04:03:00.000-07:00

woooow i jst finished watchin John Tucker must die movie and its real awesome!well its chick flick but in a very good way!!so now am watching veronica mars,its really nice,umm a cool show!so nyway umm yest i went out wid my frnds cz my best frnd left 2dy i missss her already she's sooooooooo fun!so nyway i duno why am writin this or wht am i writing but am kinda bored..omg yest ws so nice whn i ws out my ex was wid me and he ws veryyy nice n....woow it was greaaaaaaat!

homeee`

2006-10-01T10:04:00.000-07:00

umm home sweet home!damn it sux 2b home!people are jst so complicated inn egypt!if ur datin ur a sl** case closed!!why the hell!we are young we r supposed 2 do mistakes we r ssupposed 2 fck up jst give us so damn space to do it people and stop livin on our heads for a moment!well its good to write here its lik havin my very own diaries and the best about this blog is tht its even Safer thn writin a diary and riskin some1 wud find it or sumthing cz its real awfull to look over ur bck all the time!well nyway ama go study for a bit cz i really wana get done wid my stupid university!who the hell needs higher education nyway!

umm between shifts..?

2006-09-05T03:23:00.000-07:00

well rite now am between shifts...its 2.20 and my shift is on 4...umm am watchin an arabic movie for Adel Emam it kinda funny in a stupid way bs whtever its not like am payin so much attention cuz am kinda multi-functional am watchin TV,talkin on the fone And tryin 2 write a blog tho i dont have anything on mind!!!!jst heard mohamed hamaky's tape n i think its real touchin and i reallllly hope he has a concert this year cuz am dyin 4 it!!!!love the guy,he is hot and he has a great voice!gosh...sooo!!ummm i love havin a blog and knowing tht no1 reads it so i can jst call it MY OWN PERSONNAL space i can jst say wht i have and not worry who'd c it!!well ama gurl and sumtimes i have weird th8s,its lik there is an area in every1's brain tht thy try 2 push it back and not even admit its existance!ever since i woke up i couldnt stop thinking about my ex,am not really over him but i know am stronger then i think i am and i jst gotta believe in myself..or mayb cut the crap maybe i need a rebound =D yea dude seems lik a rebound is the way to go!!all the difference is that my boyfriend had a secret touch u knw..he jst touched me and i couldnt stop shivering i jst loved him way tooo much it was awesome..but its kinda too complicated and way too over..sometimes iwish life could be more easy..but it defntly wont stop fckin us!!

...which is harder?

2006-08-03T04:09:00.001-07:00

Its hard to fall in love with some1 who doesnt love you,but its harder to keep the love alive though that person doesnt evn notice you..

Its hard to end real love for a stupid reason,but its harder to keep it ended because each of you is waiting for the other 1 to make a move...

Its hard to end a relation,but its harder to be hung up on a person who forgot you..

Its hard to fall in love,but its harder to choose hating the person you love...

Its hard to fall in love in the wrong time,But its harder to fall in love with the wrong one..

Its hard to be dumped for an unknown reason,but its harder if this reason remained unknown tho u keep asking for reasons..

Its hard to lose the ability to fall in love,but its harder to keep thinking you lost't...

Its hard to start love with sympathy,but its harder to keep feeling this way..

Its hard to change lust to friendship,but its harder to change love to loath..

Its hard for love to come before marriage,but its harder for love to come after marriage..

Its hard for love to remain steamy after a long break-up,but to keep waiting for it to fire up is even harder..

Its hard to choose between two hearts,but its harder to find them both unworthy..

Its hard to have jealous lover,but its harder to have a cold one..

Its hard to forget about love,but its harder when your loved ones ask you to forget their love...

i duno...

2006-08-01T11:38:00.000-07:00

when i write a blog i usually hav an idea in mind but rite now i jst wana know do i love him or wht?am goin crazy over E he is soooo sweet n awesome n he is ma best frnd but i cnt help wanting him more..i knw he is gr8 n one day he'll find a gr8 chick n all bs all i want is him u knw n its jst not workin tht way!!uh...crazy is the way to gooo!!lets hope he is still in love wid me 2,i love seein people in pain-i guess thats the evil part of me but i dont give a shit i love seeing people who hurt me get hurt even worse cz thy do deserve it for being mean 2 me in the 1st place u knw!!!!oo gosh i guess thats why am over-weight =D lool am the kind of gurl who drowns her misery in food and smoking u knw n hell yea it does work people!!u feel awful n a daffidof slims and a couple of London Diary or Baskin Robbins can do the damn trick and welcome to heaven ladies!!!lol i duno why but whn i feel so down-even if am not hungry- i jst head 2 sugar i feel the sudden URGE to have GLUCOSE IN MY BLOOD!!THE NEED TO FEED PEOPLE!!thank god i dont have a lil bro or i wud hav ate him or so =D

drownin in misery

2006-07-29T08:59:00.000-07:00

ummm am feelin real down so being a typical gurl ama go get myself 5 gallons of low-fat(low..ya wht the hell who am i kidding ama get fat anyway!) ice-cream and lie on the soft sofa eating icecream wid a LARGE spoon while watching an idiotic comedy movie or something scary!!i have The dark and Boo7a(booha=an egyptian totally stupid but funny movie) =D yaaaaay ama go get dressed and go get some ice cream and come watch a couple of movies while am home alonee!!!woow am pathetic =D ooo gosh..i hate my brother he took the damn keys for BOTH the cars,so now the car is parked downstairs but i have no keys now how fun is that =S um ama go call my bro n fite for my rite in getting fat!!!!ama fill u in later wid my pathetic news!