Lack of self-confidence..?

i truly lack confidence!!i mean since ever!!!i have an image problem and am totally and absolutely self-conscious when i walk,talk or even laugh! i try looking into people's eyes to figure out how they see me,i know its damn sad & its not a way to live and am sick and tired!am changing am not gonna be the same anymore..its a very easy decision to make but its gonna be damn hard to follow i have to lose weight first to gain my confidence back,i have to make up with my ex *he had a lot to do with it* and i have to get my life back on track without counting on any1...D ur my bestfrnd and i love you but u have ur life together now and soon we will be out of each other's lives so i have to get mine straightened up before its too late...am gonna try to keep a daily journal of how my new me journey is working out!

whats up with the medical side?

i mean seriously are there any other jobs Outside a hospital??! look how many TV shows and sitcoms take place in a hospital!! i mean there was ER,greys anatomy,scrubs,house MD,general hospital,chicago hope..etc!! and wow is it really that exciting...?because seriously my mum is a doctor and when i was a kid i used to go hang out there all the time and trust me 95% of the patients suffer from a "stomach ache" or simple exhaustion its barely over 1% that would have the deadly-AIDS-brain-tumor-no-hope-left case! and ER is simple full of broken body parts with no interesting stories its simply dumb people! On the other hand the thing i never saw on TV but its totally exciting a psychiatric hospital! i mean have you ever been to a looney-bin?! okay that sounds offensive i really dont mean it that way but damn thats exciting! its full of people who think they are the "king of england" ,Napoleon and there are those who have their own conspiracy theories and it goes on & on! i kinda have to run now i have a meeting to attend but i'll be back *sometime soon i hope*!

back "home"..

so its that time of the year again! am done with my midyear break and am back to my hometown..its time to start uni and all this crap but i have this funny little feeling! and no its not lik being in love or nything its actually lik..like there's something missing! you know the awkward feeling you get when some1 is telling a joke and its supposed to be funny and they r done and looking at you xpectin you to xplode into laughter but its actually NOT FUNNY! its awfully awkward and i just wana teach them how they can do it better but its way to awkward and way too late you just have to fake a lil laugh or a "OOOO ooo now i got it haha..haha!"
i hate coming back here because the people actually suck! dont get me wrong am not a socially isolated person or nythin but i like my frnds and i was born and raised away from here with my bestfrnd and its like we are all seperated now..i miss them all specially D cz i love talking to him he reminds me of the many things i lost with my brother passing away..i gotta run nywy i havent blogged since ever and i can barely type the plane ride was painful enuf..

My soule-mate...!

well..i went home for a while,i had to take a break before i start my summer course you know!!It went actually pretty awesome,i got to c SQ my best friend ever,she is such a queen i love her!!i had a greaaaaaaaaaat time with her,umm i barely saw D. Well i don't think of D as my best friend nymore cuz ever since he started dating he went to another planet...well its typical everytime he starts dating he gets extremly busy and now its beyond bad we never used 2 spend such a long time without properly talking..wow i mean he doesnt even know i started my summer course,he doesnt know anything about me and i have no idea whats going on with him lately..he jst calls SS and talks to her,well she's the Girlfrnd and am just the "Girl" now..
Well congratulations again to me,i lost another friend!!well aint my fault i guess but it's pretty much life it tears people apart!! Well..among all the crap i had with D back home i meet some1 great..well dont get so excited its a She so it's not lik we r gonna date but i really met some1 who gets me!!! i meani love CD she's a friend's friend and i saw her a couple of times but this holiday was something else..i mean WOW CD is the 2nd me!!!she is the 1st person i met who listens to the same stuff i like!punk rock alternatine and all,she thinks almost the same way i do,she read the same books i read and we both lik guys 4 sure but we are both not lookin for a heartbreak!!so she's perfect..no guys will come between us and that jst makes it perfect! she's sweet,funny,honest & she was really there for me till the last minute and just talking to her makes me smile she is the most adorable person ever!!and i also like the guy she's datin nowadays MD is REALLY funny!!god my tummy hurts from laughter whnvr i spend time with him!! well i probably lost my D, i'll just give up i'm simply gonna try to stop being his bestfrnd..its really hard trying to keep in touch and talk to someone EVEYDAY when you feel like an intruder and rite now am just an intruder in D's life..he has his guys and he started dating some1 he is in love with (not my words HONESTLY) so i think he's quite happy and he doesnt realize how far we are now...i love D,i really love him lik a brother so i think i just jst back off & give him room to breath..i'll simply try to stop loving people unconditionally cuz it's simply painful watching them drift away..maybe it's time to hold on to F and CD and jst hang out with girls for a while,am sick of guys..

Exams suck!

i havent been able to blog for such a long time,i have exams and too many studies!!It's kinds depressing i don't have time to do anything anymore...i just realized that i don't believe in exams! i mean when they give us information they should trust us to study it! I mean if i said i studied them why do u question my liability!! Um my major is tough but am smart "yea baby i have the brains" and i can do it i simple choose not to..! It's always easier to sit back and watch the time fly by,at least for me! In a few minutes my friends should be here and we should start studying together,i love group studies! They are simply too much fun and we pitch ideas that personaly helps each one of us revise the crap we have to know,funny how far people can go to learn stuff! I mean seriously i had to revise lik 8 types of "complications of wounds healing" so i kinda took the 1st letter of each kinda and made up a word-sentence-mumbo-jumbo to make me reivse it!!It was something like FUCK-I-C-S well if your wondering it's Fuck i see S,,and S stands for my x boyfrnd,,LOL i sound so dumb but hey anything to get me thro the exam nights!! =D and umm i had to reivse an equation yest it was lik Cs/Cm and i always used to switch them so i was lik S is the 1st letter in my bstfrnds name,he's shorter thn me so i'd make him stand while i sit therefore the S is above the M...!!!Lol i sound so stupid while i study but i get grades,trust me am not so bad!!well now i gotta bounce to create some new magic words so i can get it over with this damn Pharmaceutics subject!!!Good luck to me!!

Things You don't know about me even if you live with me!

1. i just love whinning..am not sure why but i find whinning a very relieveing process! i can go on & on about how sucky everything is,how hard my major is,how i miss this & that & dear gods please dont get me started.

2. I always run converstaions in my head that i know would never happen!i mean things like 6 years from now when i bump into my x i'll be 20kgs slimmer,blonde,smart and successful with the most amazing guy in the whole world by my side!and his name would be Ahmed or Khlaed & am gonna act like i don't remember him!

3. I'm in love with a guy who doesnt exist anymore!!am still in love with my x but he isnt himself anymore so it doesnt actually make sense but i can't get over it yet.

4. I feel a little twinkle inside of me whenever some1 asks me about my major,it's just that everyone keeps going on about how smart iam and how hard it is and bla bla i just feel silently delighted tho i curse my major in public!

5. I have a thing for tough guys,i mean sheesh they are really exciting with their jealous extremlly sexy attitude! When i was a kid i wanted to date a biker or a pirate!*yes i mentally lived in many ages*

6. I wana get married to some1 who has a mixture of the chracters of my bestfriend and my x!Funny,smart,understanding,sarcastic,patient,a bit romantic,religious,fearful of god & judgement day & openminded but to a limit i mean he should like get jealous its only human am not getting married to a coffee table!Actually thats all like my best friend except for the sarcasm part that was my ex!!

7. My mum thinks am in love with my best friend and she's scared he'll "break my heart" by choosing some1 else!!!god she is SO CUTE i keep telling her he hes a gurlfriend but she wouldnt listen!!one day am gonna have to tel her that am still in love with the only person she never considered!i mean really she th8 i was dating ALL my other male friends except the one i dated! =D

8. I secretly pray MM would die soon so the world would be 1-bitch short!

9. I hope my bestfriend marries his current girlfriend so we can actually be friends forever cz this is the 1st time my bestfriend's gurlfriend believz am not after her "man"!

10. I had a dream where i married my best friend's brother & we stayed as close as we are..i told him about it and we laughed it off but i hope it comes true sometime cz i really think of him as a brother.

11. I make fun of girls who act like total "Chicks"..umm like match everyything they wear in such an agonizing matter,fix their hair everyday,wear high-kitten heals,adore pink & paint their nails upon their mood!Actually if i could i would be one it just doesnt suit my physical looks!Therefore i secretly admire their girly attitude!

12.I'm screwed up...

13.I experienced every emotion you can name tho am only 17

Grief when my brother died whe i was 16

Jealousy that i always standout among any group due to the fact that am taller & overweight..

Rage when every guy I liked back in skool, liked one of my "thin" friends..and the only guy i really loved too..

Outkasting when I had 2 brothers who used to sit in their room playing PS2 & whenever i walked in they would completely zipped it & i wasnt allowed to talk so they would concentrate on the Game!

Rejection when my whole gang deserted me for a whole year back in skool & am still not sure why..we never got that close again..

Pressure, when mum keeps reminding me that i have to be more responsible about my looks in order to get married to a proper guy..

14. I can laugh & cry at the same time!!i swear i nearly do it ALL the time!

Rock on!!

So my bestfrnd D hates rock!I mean who the hell hates rock besides dad!Well no offence but dad hates anything with a voice uh..or a beat! But i'm a punk-rocker! No actually am more like a..Punk-rock-alternative-techno-metal-R n B person!Am very flexible as long as there's no rap or sax involved! I even like a couple of blues! Back in the days i was a very cool teenager! I listened to blink182 & simple plan Only,i mean i still like them but Hello not all the time & exclusively like before! it's a guy who switched on his TV while his gurlfrind was taking his pants off what else is there to know!!the song went like
"i took her out,it was a friday night
i wore a cologne to get the feeling rite,
we started making out..
and she took off my pants
that's when i turned on the tv"
LOL i loved that song it was called Whats My Age Again..damn i used to be cool! I even had the black nail polish, black rubber bands, no pearls, glo0my face & black outfits phase! Was very uh..Educati0nal! And one day i met JA, i was hooked! He's my idol,though sometimes we kill each other i love him! He's funny, sarcastic, smart, hot, very knowledgable & he just has a view about Evrything! I love talking to him & he has the most faithful heart i've seen! Above all we both love Snow Patrol & Spiderman 3 -tho we do for different reasons but hell i love him!!
So now i listen to everything and am way more mature..um i mean rock makes more sense,at least you can hear what they are saying its not like metal and hip-hop! i mean

"I'm a balla (say what)
high roller baby (baby, baby),
shot colla (thats right)
ain't nobody this crazy (like me)
you a hatta (you a hatta)
why you tryin to play me (I don't think he know)
fake playa (yeap, fake playa)
ain't nobody killin (hey, I'm a ball for real)"


i mean What? seriously? dude can you make a point? dont get me wrong i love the song the beats are too good but i don't get it!!and arabic songs are all about heartbreaks and the gurl swearing she's gonna take her ex-boyfrnds heart out because he break her heart it's just too..TYPICAL!!!i mean a lot of people are alive because it's illegal to kill them but saying it outloud aint gonna help blondie! God all that killing talk just makes me wanna shoot some1 for a change but i have better things to do..i guess! I should stop blogging for a while and get back to my courses if i ever wana get this semester over with!